Aspiring journalists discovered

YJC: hahha, i wrote this article on vicky and sent it to her
YJC: cuz she was telling me that she figured out a new diet
YJC: she called it the "staple" diet
YJC: where you eat something (ie. bag of chips, snacks, etc)...and after you eat a little, you "staple staple staple"
YJC: and you put it aside so you won't eat anymore
TEK: hahaha
TEK: then what
YJC: so then later today, she wrote me an email saying that she went through and removed all the staples with her hands and STILL ate the rest of the bag
YJC: so i wrote the following article
YJC: let me forward it to you..

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The "Staple" Dieters Revolt
(San Francisco, AP) In San Franciso, California, it was determined once and for all that the "staple" diet is a fraud. According to sources, many dieters have clung to this new form of dieting that requires the dieter to literally "staple" their food shut to prevent further binging. It has become more widespread in the past week than Atkin's has been in the past few years. Ironically, it has spread among working young urban professionals ("yuppies") and gay urban professionals ("guppies") throughout the U.S. due to the abundance of "staples" in these work environments. However the downfall began, when hungry dieters across the nation began to revolt and TEAR OPEN the staples with their bare hands in efforts to attain the unattainable. One dieter stated,

"Pry! Pry! I'm eating M&Ms now. Double demerits for me." -VC

As of 4:50 PM (pacific standard time), dieters are flocking to a new form of dieting where one consumes as much junk food to their desire. After the initial satiation attained from this binging exercise, they run to the nearest restroom and purge themselves of their prior consumption. This diet is now known as "BULEMIA". More to come next week on the statistics of this new and upcoming diet.
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In response to this fabricated article, another article was fabricated, and the cycle of lost productivity continues...

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Productivity Decline Attributed to "TMTOH Syndome"
(Silicon Valley, AP) Employees in the hi-tech and most notably, Accounting and Consulting sectors are experiencing a new wave of problematic ailments which actually inhibit productivity in the workplace. Toomuchtimeonhandsitis (TMTOH Syndrome) was first discovered in lab rats that were left to their own devices for an extended period of time, and was found to affect both male and female alike (although recent tests show that females are much more susceptible than males). There is also an increasing amount of evidence that Toomuchtimeonhandsitis also affects humans cross-culturally, although subjects of East-Asian descent were found to be more susceptible for unknown reasons. Medical experts caution that the primary symptoms to watch for in it's early stages are the fabrication of false or foolhardy (albeit, entertaining) diet plans, the rebuttal of these plans through the creation of false news articles, and any follow-up articles in reaction to initial false news articles. Dr. Jonathan J. Doolhardy Oblong II of the University of California, Berkeley medical school warns that the social subset of young professionals located in urban areas, such as San Francisco are exponentially at a much higher risk, since "yuppies are lazy bastards," Oblong states. There were no further comments from other medical professionals.

One worker who chose to remain anonymous, elated that getting Toomuchtimeonhandsitis was much more favorable than getting any type of venereal disease. However, much like Chlamydia, there is currently no cure for Toomuchtimeonhandsitis, and professionals in the medial and research and development fields are working strenuously to develop one. In the interim, medical experts suggest taking extended vacations, two-hour lunch breaks, and superfluous trips to the water cooler to avoid the feeling one might get when they are being completely and utterly worthless at work.

TK, Associated Press.
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