To the person

who smashed through the passenger-side window of my car on Townsend St. in SF last night, I want to lay out a few things for you:

You must have mistaken my gym bag for something really expensive. Sorry to have misled you, but it was really just a gym bag. I wasn't trying to be crafty and hide my life savings in cash in there or anything like that. With that said, I truly hope you enjoy my unwashed gym clothes, sweaty weight lifting gloves, and dirty towel.

I also had one of my favorite track jackets in there. Although it will be missed, I hope that you're a narrow-minded American who hates Canada and all things related, since the jacket had a prominent Canadian flag on it. (No, I'm not pro-Canada, but it was a good conversation starter at parties. What can I say..)

You also got a pair of my jeans. I just washed them, so I hope they fit well. You can pick up where I left off in the process of trying to break them in. Sitting on the sidewalk and running from cops are a few things that you can do to expedite the process.

Congratulations on snagging my iPod Shuffle, though. That's probably the only thing you could pawn off for some real cash. Either that, or you could listen to the same 13 tracks from my "Gym" playlist until the battery runs out, since your sorry thieving ass probably doesn't own a computer that you could hook it up to. At any rate, I'm sure that if you "shuffle" the songs, they won't seem too repetitive. I hope you like the song "Eye of the Tiger."

Oh, and thanks for not stealing anything else of real worth in my car, like the navigation system, the radar detector, my sunglasses, digital camera, or the wad of cash in my glove-box. I know that some of your buddies find pleasure in breaking into cars to steal random and insignificant things like $3 quickie-mart sunglasses, burned CDs, and pennies from the ashtray, so who knows. Maybe you just really love going to the gym. Either way, I appreciate it.

It was also really cool of you to try to minimize the dispersion of glass shards in my car. I noticed that although glass was pretty much everywhere, you really made a conscious effort to keep the driver's seat clear of it so that if I had to drive to the police station at 4:30AM to file a report, injury to my ass, back, and neck would be kept to a minimum.

I think that's it...

Oh, and fuck you.